No Need to Queer Eurovision: Sweden Did It For Us

When he's not singing for Azerbaijan he likes to wrestle: tumblr

When he’s not singing for Azerbaijan he likes to wrestle: tumblr

Gravity-defying hair, huge eyebrows, wrestling and leather, same-sex kisses: Eurovision could hardly have been queerer. As our Gaultier-draped hostess continually reminded us.

Odd how popular this warblefest is in Australia, since we can never participate. On the other hand, they do allow Middle Eastern states like Israel to take part, so maybe one day . .

Homoerotically speaking, there was much to perve on:  a big blond viking, smoking hot Greek boys in kilts, and tattooed Irish leathermen.

The Irish singer, not so much.  Lacking this year’s obligatory megabrows, and decked out in what hardcore boys sniffily dismiss as  “fashion leather,” he came bottom. Yes, eyebrows were big this year.

The cute but slightly creepy Belgian had an impressive pair, or was that just an illusion created by a big fringe and low-rise forehead. The creep-factor was enhanced by framing him with a pair of grimly determined bunny-boilers in killer heels.

The short but perfectly formed Mr Azerbaijan – Farid Mammadov – sported a hefty thicket topping his overworked bedroom eyes. He performed alongside an alter ego sealed in a transparent plastic closet. Make of that what you will.

Apparently he does Graeco-Roman wrestling, as well as that odd South American cartwheeling martial art, Capoeira. He came second, which to judge by his cocky swagger, was probably a relatively rare experience for him.

Sweden’s Robin, who gave up wrestling in favour of song, is a little too chunky to be called a twink, despite the fresh faced boyish charm and Jedwardesque hair. He didn’t do so well, landing at number 13. Perhaps a few rounds on the mat with Farid would have given him a leg up.

Miss Finland staged a lesbian kiss, which somewhat made up for the incredibly sexist lyrics of her bright, poppy song, but then went and spoiled it all by being loudly and insistently heterosexual in backstage interviews.

But the real winner of the night was host Petra Mede, in a succession of ridiculously OTT Gaultier gowns. When she archly informed the ‘hardcore Eurovision fans’ surrounding her not to worry, ‘you just haven’t found the right girl yet’, she got the biggest cheer of the night.

And her send-up of her own country was, as they say, to die for. Turkey had threatened not to broadcast the show because of that girl-on-girl kiss. Petra answered them by frocking up as a clergyman and marrying two lovely Swedish boys.

Skip to the 2:12 mark on the video and see the birth of a star.

1. Denmark – Emmelie de Forest – ‘Only Teardrops’ 281pts

2. Azerbaijan – Farid Mammadov – ‘Hold Me’234pts
3. Ukraine – Zlata Ognevich – ‘Gravity’ 214pts
4. Norway – Margaret Berger – ‘I Feed You My Love’ 191pts
5. Russia – Dina Garipova  – ‘What If’ 174pts
6. Greece – Koza Mostra feat. Agathon Iakovidis – ‘Alcohol Is Free’ 152pts
7. Italy – Marco Mengoni – ‘L’essenziale’ 126pts
8. Malta – Gianluca – ‘Tomorrow’ 120pts
9. Netherlands – Anouk – ‘Birds’ 114pts
10. Hungary – ByeAlex – ‘Kedvesem’ (Zoohacker Remix) 84pts
=11. Moldova – Aliona Moon – ‘O mie’ 71pts
=11. Belgium – Roberto Bellarosa – ‘Love Kills’ 71pts
13. Romania – Cezar – ‘It’s My Life’ 65pts
14. Sweden – Robin Stjernberg – ‘You’ 62pts
15. Georgia – Nodi Tatishvili and Sophie Gelovani – ‘Waterfall’ 50pts
16. Belarus – Alyona Lanskaya – ‘Solayoh’ 48pts
17. Iceland – Eythor Ingi – ‘Ég á líf’ 47pts
18. Armenia – Dorians – ‘Lonely Planet’ 41pts
19. United Kingdom – Bonnie Tyler – ‘Believe in Me’ 23pts
20. Estonia – Birgit – ‘Et uus saaks alguse’ 19pts
21. Germany – Cascada – ‘Glorious’ 18pts
22. Lithuania – Andrius Pojavis – ‘Something’ 17pts
23. France – Amandine Bourgeois – ‘L’enfer et moi’ 14pts
24. Finland – Krista Siegfrids – ‘Marry Me’ 13pts
25. Spain – ESDM – ‘Contigo hasta el final’ 8pts
26. Ireland – Ryan Dolan – ‘Only Love Survives’ 5pts

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About the author

Veteran gay writer and speaker, Doug was one of the founders of the UKs pioneering GLBTI newspaper Gay News (1972) , and of the second, Gay Week, and is a former Features Editor of Him International. He presented news and current affairs on JOY 94.9 FM Melbourne for more than ten years. "Doug is revered, feared and reviled in equal quantities, at times dividing people with his journalistic wrath. Yet there is no doubt this grandpa-esque bear keeps everyone abreast of anything and everything LGBT across the globe." (Daniel Witthaus, "Beyond Priscilla", Clouds of Magellan, Melbourne, 2014)